Compiled from Texts From Last Night, 2009
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true ¶ i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... ¶ i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. ¶ and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" ¶ Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. ¶ i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. ¶ in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him ¶ o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket ¶ omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. ¶ I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. ¶ you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now ¶ also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. ¶ We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. ¶ Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. ¶ I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. ¶ Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence ¶ She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love ¶ Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal ¶ Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love ¶ There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically. ¶ my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute ¶ i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung ¶ I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is ¶ You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. ¶ he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles ¶ just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot. ¶ It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. ¶ i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven ¶ Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. ¶ she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur ¶ non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. ¶ I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" ¶ Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know. ¶ he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever. ¶ this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success. ¶ Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.